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In the fifth instalment of this ever-popular series, pop sensations Girls Aloud have turned up (1 free hit) in the New Statesman with some choice words about politics and politicians. Their thoughts are so remarkable as to (1) break the promised silence on arbitrary constant and (2) be reported nearly in full. Do note, though, that the "Girls" have complained that no one has asked them what they think about politics. Bear this in mind as you read on:

Politicians know that we get listened to by more young fans than they do. That's why David Cameron said he fancied me [Cole, that is — Cameron therefore revealing exceptionally poor and tacky taste, might I add?]. He was just trying to be cool. I bet he couldn't name a single song of ours. Do I fancy him? No! Politicians should stop trying to be cool and get on with running the country.

(Ironic, that. Are we allowed to ask pop bands to stop talking about politics and get on with making trashy pop songs?)

There should be adverts in the breaks during Coronation Street spelling it out in bullet points: this is what the Conservatives stand for, this is what Labour stands for.

(Wot about the Lib Dems? Oh, no — good point, actually.)

I know there are programmes on late at night, aren't there, when they have like debates and stuff. But young people are not going to sit there and choose to watch them. It's boring. No 18-year-old wants to watch Gordon Brown doing his whole speech - turn it over! They need to make it more interesting.

What would the Girls have the politicians do? Here's a brief policy statement from them:

They say they're going to do all this stuff for the NHS but it goes on paper-pushers… They should definitely bring back grammar schools. Then you can say to low achievers: you can get there if you work hard.

I'm not sure the Girls have thought through the fact low achievers wouldn't make it to a grammar school. But what about tax? Broadly, they don't mind it, though...

Cole adds, a little peevishly, that she would "love to see a breakdown of exactly where our taxes go. We're in the highest tax percentage, so our earnings are nearly halved.

This is the same Cole married to Mr "Cashley" Cole, Chelsea fullback and man to squabble over £55k-a-week wage instead of £60k-a-week. I reckon he could manage the 40% tax bill, no? Still, Mrs Cole's moaning about tax is made rather delicious by the following, which astounds in its most-likely-accurate portrayal of her life as a, erm, footballer's wife:

The young girls who follow them, they admit, are more likely to aspire to marrying footballers and living luxurious lifestyles. "It's the media that put them in that state of mind," Cole says. "They make it look really glamorous : you can go out and sit on your arse and have all the jewels you want. It's a joke. These women have nannies, they don't cook a meal for their husbands, they don't clean because they've got a cleaner, they have all the handbags they want but never do a day's work. What kind of aspiration is that? Footballers' wives are just as bad as benefit scroungers - it's just a higher class of sponger.

And just in case we thought we might get away with it, here's a devastating analysis of Britain's involvement in the War in Iraq:

All we know is what's happening now, which is that Blair equals George Bush and the war in Iraq

Ladies and gents, I give you: Girls Aloud.

Tags — Politics