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Reader, arbitrary constant is no fan of television. As a medium for conveying entertainment that requires little-to-no engagement from those wishing to be entertained, requesting as it does only passive acknowledgement of its contents, and yet maintaining an often central position within most people's living arrangements, arbitrary constant has learnt to be sceptical of the pre-eminence of television within, though not exclusively contained by, western culture.

Notwithstanding this, or even isagainstsitting it, television has its moments, and it is five of these such moments that are about to be shared with you. For some time in around 2002, if the hazy recollections herein recounted are correct, a well-known drinks manufacturer tried to persuade the British consumer of the merits of their beverage through a series of consummate and unparalleled advertisements. These adverts were remarkable: offbeat, off the wall, and off their rockers they may have been, but off the mark they certainly were not. It was thus that slightly strange stunts, low production values and a voiceover whose comic timing was to comedy what Robin Hood's accuracy was to archery all delighted arbitrary constant every time the advert appeared.

Presented to you, Reader, for your viewing pleasure, are the four adverts known as "the Tango ads":

— Helmet.

— Barrel.

— Fat pigeon.

— Porcupine.

The attentive reader would have noted that the five televisual moments to be recounted turned, above, into only four. Only. Only. The choice of word will be forgiven you, Reader, for if the fifth moment is anywhere near as good as the other four, then the disappointment at its not having been shared so far will be given to you and noted as fair. It is with excitement barely contained, though, that the fifth moment can be revealed and — though custom does not normally allow arbitrary constant to engage light heartedly or otherwise in hyperbole, such custom will be swept aside in what follows — introduced to you as being on a par with, and possibly even superior to, the Tango adverts.

Reader, the fifth advert, is a drumming gorilla.

arbitrary constant understands, and will give you a minute to compose yourself.

Tags — Newspapers