Beware the dog-walking criminals

To the potential criminal there are a number of deterrents that could stop them actually wanting to perform their crime. A thief, for example, may decide not to burgle a house because of the presence a big red box on the side of it with a flashy blue light, suggesting that should its perimeters or boundaries be violated in any way whatsoever then a very loud noise (most likely to be classified as 'deafening') will make sure that everyone knows about it. In particular, the owners of the house.

Though this works to dissuade your average opportunist criminal, the more serious miscreant will exercise, assuming they are half decent at what they do, a good deal of premeditation. In the case of the aforementioned reprobate, therefore, a pair of pliers and some handy electrical 'adjusting' will more than likely be employed to settle the problem of the irritating alarm. Either that or a good old-fashioned hostage situation.

The job of a killer, on the other hand, is a bit more complicated: first off, the police seem to think the taking of life to be a little more serious than the taking of a grandfather clock and hence make more effort in trying to catch someone who has committed murder; secondly, there is the choice of death - does one strangle, stab, shoot, hit over the head with a blunt object, drown, poison, suffocate, gas or run over to name but a few possible methods? The decision to be made regarding this aspect requires many weeks of thought before any crime can actually be planned and any potential killer, therefore, needs to assess their preferred method of attack and likely ability to perform the task before actually contemplating doing so.

Finally, and perhaps most importantly, for every premeditating murderer, there is the dog-walker/jogger problem: no matter how well the crime has been planned, you can almost always guarantee that one dog-walker, somewhere (in the middle of nowhere, actually) will find the body of your victim. No matter how well hidden, buried or wrapped the body, no matter how remote the location and no matter how bad the weather, there will always be one, seemingly innocent dog-walker that will turn up on the ten o' clock news and in all of the daily newspapers with a story of "how they saw this funny shape/piece of disturbed land" that they found suspicious.

Well, Life After the Womb would like to put it to you, the ever-faithful reader and the possibly-not-reading-this-police-constabularies that maybe it's the dog-walkers and joggers we need to be turning to if people go missing and not your usual, slightly stereotyped, psycho-killer types with shaven heads and lazy eyes. It's just a bit handy that it is this particular group of people who find the bodies all of the time, don't you think, and that they are the ones walking in remote areas of woodland, far away from civilisation both late at night and early in the morning when no-one else, ever, is around? It's slightly suspicious that they are the ones who hear the cries of terror that nobody else ever hears and that their 'dogs' were simply sniffing around off the beaten track when they made their fateful observation. It's all just that little bit too convenient to be believable.

The suggestion to the police, therefore, is this: arrest all members of the public who own dogs immediately, for they are more than likely to be murderers and hence very dangerous members of the public. Alternatively, it is recommended that all killers choose dog-walkers as their intended victims and therefore guarantee the avoidance of capture due to a severe lack of evidence.