LATW goes to the movies...

Having just become the proud owner of a dvd player, I am currently on a bit of a film kick. The whole idea of suspending my disbelief and letting the filmmaker get away with some of the most ridiculous things the human mind could ever conjure up appeals to me in a sort of I'm-eight-years-old-and-can-pretend-this-saucepan-is-an-extra-terrestrial-spaceship sort of way. I'm there every step of the way as Arnie manages to create havoc in an enterprising, A-team sort of way in, well, all of his films; I'm cowering behind my pillow as Brad Pitt holds a gun to John Doe's head at the end of Se7en just before he shoots him; my palms are sweating as I wait to find out if Kevin Spacey really is the bad guy in The Usual Suspects (he is); I jump with joy as Harry finally gets his act together and kisses the lovely Sally in, well, When Harry Met Sally; I am in shock when I find out Bruce Willis is dead pretty much all the way through The Sixth Sense and that Edward Norton and Brad Pitt are the same person in Fight Club. The only thing that doesn't make me sweat with excitement is when I find out The Great Escape is nothing like an escape - more like The Good Try Chaps - Better Luck Next Time. Yep - I am well and truly a fan of film.

What I am not a fan of, however, is the write-ups and adjectives you often see on posters advertising new film releases. Call me picky, but I find it difficult to accept words screaming out at me, often with sixty-seven stars or something under them, telling me a film is "fantastic," "marvellous," "exhilarating'" "breathtaking," "incredible" etc. More often than not, these words aren't even an accurate description of the film they are supposed to be describing, but that, dear reader, is what I am about to bring to your attention. You see, the important word here is context. It's all very well using just one word to sum up a film; indeed, it's all very well using a well-known phrase ("the best film of the year so far") to sum up a film, but that one word or quote is nothing unless you put it in context. As I am about to demonstrate.

Below are a few examples of reviews of recent films; the word in italics is the one that was used on the poster and the sentence that follows it is that word in the context of the film critic's opinion. I think you will agree it sheds some light on the link between the marketing of a film and its actual quality, whilst at the same time giving a nod in the direction of those whose work it is to shield us from the dire films the world of Hollywood can produce.

marvellous: "Having had to sit through three and a half hours of this unengaging, self-righteous drivel, it was a marvellous feeling when the final credits started to roll and I could finally make my way from the cinema to the nearest bar where I hoped to be able to drink away all memories of the film I had just endured."

incredible: "What amazes me is that production companies still insist on pumping out this mushy, bland, tokenistic nonsense at this time of year in order to cash in on the obligation felt by a man to appease his woman on what is supposed to be the most romantic, spontaneous day of the year when it is, in fact, the greatest fear known to plague the male specimen. Incredible."

wonderful: "The look on the lady sitting next to me as the male lead removed his prosthetic limb in order get a better purchase on his scratching requirements - the highlight of this otherwise rubbish film - was wonderful: she looked like she'd just met her husband whilst he was entertaining another woman."

marvellous: "Having had to sit through three and a half hours of this unengaging, self-righteous drivel, it was a marvellous feeling when the final credits started to roll and I could finally make my way from the cinema to the nearest bar where I hoped to be able to drink away all memories of the film I had just endured."

the best film so far this year: "Given that it is only January and there hasn't been any other notable release worthy of reference, I can call this the best film of the year so far, safe in the knowledge that it hasn't a hope in hell's chance of surpassing anything released from this day forth."

a modern classic: "Taking into account what modernism has brought us these past few years - dotcom crashes, technology that progresses so quickly it soon makes itself obsolete and viagra - it would be no great crime to call this film a modern classic. The only difference is that its impotence cannot be treated with one swift swallow of a handy little pill."

You see my point. Keep that word 'context' in mind and you'll be fine whenever you visit the cinema henceforth. Happy viewing, dear reader.