The meeting of a Hula Hoop and a microwave

This column takes on a little bit of a serious tone, I'm afraid, after LATW was involved in an incident that could very well have caused it to lose an eyebrow had it not been for some quick-thinking and ingenuity. Below is the letter sent to KP after the incident, whose details LATW hopes are made clear in the content you are about to read. Rest assured, Life After the Womb has your safety as its priority, and should I receive a reply I'll be sure to let you know another week. Anyway, read on, and, more importantly, take care if microwaving anything of any sort...

KP Foods UK
PO Box 4
Ashby-de-la-Zouch
Leicestershire
LE65 2UQ

Dear Mr Person at KP Foods UK (makers of the humble nut),

I am writing with reference to an incident that occurred recently involving one of your flavoured fried potato snacks and my microwave. I feel that I should draw this incident to your attention because it could result in a potentially fatal accident at some point in the future and hence would like to remove any possibility of a recurrence of this event by informing you of what happened and hoping you act on its insistence.

The event to which I make reference is the microwaving of a solitary prawn cocktail flavour Hula Hoop just last night in my kitchen. I feel it is not necessary at this juncture to give a reason as to why I was microwaving this particular snack, but I am compelled to notify you of the result of my cooking endeavours: having spent approximately 115 seconds on the maximum setting of a 650Watt microwave, the aforementioned Hula Hoop seemed to spontaneously combust in front of my very eyes and, quite frankly, scared the living shit out of me. A large flame engulfed the microwave in seconds and due only to the lightning-speed reactions of the parties involved (i.e. me) was extinguished before further damage could occur or the emergency services notified.

You can therefore see the cause for my concern. Should this event be repeated by a not-quite-so-alert person as myself, the consequences of such an incident may very well be severe, to the point of tragedy. Thus, I would strongly recommend that henceforth your Hula Hoop packaging exhibits some sort of a notification warning, relaying the possible hazards of microwaving the contained product. For example, "Danger: Under no circumstances should you microwave this product". Though by no means brilliant in a literary sense, I feel this statement makes the point simply and effectively; for maximum awareness to the consumer, I feel it should be sited underneath the nutritional information, perhaps, though its final location is obviously a matter for you to decide.

I stress to mention that before you place this precautionary warning on all Hula Hoop packaging, you examine the flammability of all the other flavours, since the prawn cocktail variety may simply be an anomaly. I haven't had time, I'm afraid, to conduct research into the behaviour of the other flavours in a microwave, but rest assured that when I do, I will get back to you on it. (Perhaps you should extend the research to your nut products, as well, though that is simply a thought.)

I trust you share my concerns over this matter and will deal with it in an appropriate and proper manner. I am also well aware that this does not affect my statutory rights (although I don't know what they are).

Your reply is eagerly awaited. Faithfully,

Life After the Womb