Quiz shows are taking over the country

You may have noticed the sudden proliferation in the number of game and quiz shows on television recently which, in itself, is not particularly worrying; when combined with what LATW is about to divulge, however, a big bell with "WARNING - DO NOT RING UNLESS SOMETHING IS REALLY UP" written on it in big red letters should soon be ringing in your head.

Life After The Womb has come to realise, you see, that this seemingly innocent rise in the number of television programmes designed to stretch the mind lies at the heart of a very cunning and devious government conspiracy, and it is about this I feel it my duty to tell you about. It works like this: after years of studying students' behavioural patterns, the government have realised that students, basically, watch television; more tellingly, when doing so, they always favour the quiz and game shows. Again - a harmless observation...but now consider this: recently, there have been a number of calls asking for the schooling system to be changed: some say get rid of it - others say keep it for longer; whichever way it goes, the government still want 50% of all those eligible to attend university. So what do we make of this? It would appear that the government, having struggled for so long in attempting to make the teaching profession desirable for would-be teachers, have decided to give up with their quest and are hoping to educate us all through the medium of television and, in particular, quiz shows. By finding that most students watch these programmes, the government have stumbled upon the perfect opportunity to scrap the idea of schools altogether (and thus the expense of trying to recruit teachers) and maintain a schooling level similar to that of the present system.

The signs are all there: The Weakest Link; Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?; Countdown; 15-to-1; Blockbusters; hell - we could even include Wipeout, with Bob "probably not a monk" Monkhouse. Worse than these, even, are the proper educational programmes, such as GCSE Bitesize and Open University, that are there as a supposed supplement to proper teaching. It appears clear to me that they are, in fact, perfect examples of the government's wish to replace schooling with televisual-teaching, and the fact that OU has been around for quite some time would indicate that it was designed purely as a tester to see if the whole concept was feasible and not as a means of continuing into further education for those who cannot attend university proper. The crux of the matter is that, in future, everyone is going to pick up all of their general knowledge by watching these quiz shows and learning about things that way - government education officials will write the questions for each programme and make sure that the full content of the National Curriculum will be covered, whilst at the same time prize money will increase to act as an incentive for watching the quizzes in the first place. Soon, they'll be trying to teach us on the National Lottery Live - it really is an abominable situation and something needs to be done.

Fortunately, LATW has been on to the government for quite some time now and would like to suggest some ways in which we can defeat their cunning plans; they are specific examples, but with a little ingenuity and application of the techniques involved, we can beat the government at their own game. Take Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?: the first few questions are always easy because they are there to cover the primary and pre-SATS syllabus; things only get tricky when it moves on to GCSE and A-Level type questions around the £2000 mark - hence it is my suggestion that everyone takes the money at £500. This may flummox Chris Tarrant ("but you, erm, still have three life-lines") but it is something that has to be done. Similarly, when participating in Countdown, which in the government's new system would be the primary means of teaching the English language, simply ask for nine vowels every time and on declaring your word shout "MONKEYS" each time without hesitation: that way, no one will learn anything. Finally, when faced with Anne "everyone seems to forget she used to present Watchdog and therefore cannot be that scary" Robinson on The Weakest Link (does she have to read the rules out every episode?), simply answer everything wrong:

"What is the capital of France?"
Norwich.

"Who was nominated for the Best Actor Oscar for his role in Forrest Gump?"
Phill Mitchell.

"In what sport would you use a 'puck'?"
Swimming."

This way, the only choice the government will have is to reverse their decision on replacing schools with quiz shows and everything will return to normal. I hope you believe me when I say that that could really happen - so watch out and stay alert - try to remember everything I have said.